Braving a WHOLE New Year

You guys 2018 was tough. I sat with my husband last night, reflecting on how our years went and he had a very different perspective than me. He was full of the WOWs of his year, while I felt like 2018 took me for a big spin and kicked me out somewhere near a dessert with no water and about 20 minutes to make it back home. I want to tell you with HUGE pieces of hope in my heart that I woke up refreshed and excited for a new year, but that wouldn’t be my truth. It doesn’t feel any different. YET.

I am not sure about you, but looking back month by month, 2018 had some AMAZING moments of strong trust, powerful grace, and awesome awareness, and it also had tears….big, UGLY, F A T tears that left me empty, stuck, and feeling BAD about myself, my lack of accomplishments, and in denial. {I TRULY promise, there is a point to my uncoverings here….I have to be legit OPEN with you guys!}

220px-Passer_domesticus2Truth, TWO birds (just like this harmless sparrow) have made their way into our house over the last 2 months + 1 day…to the day! I started blogging this post earlier this morning, and in the time since, a bird (SOMEHOW!) made its way into our house and was anxiously trying to escape out a window or glass kitchen door…’s the thing, THIS EXACT happening occurred on Halloween day 2018. On that day, I was STILL stuck in the darkness of my depressive episode…..that bird shook things up, but I didn’t really think of it as anything……still, SOMETHING did change that day. I WOKE up….and, after it happened again this morning, I find it TOOOOOOO close of a situation to really ignore! YOU FEEL???

Truth:  I feel EMPOWERED af, right now.  (and, I didn’t 4 hours ago!)

Also, Truth:  I am pretty sure the universe, God, destiny, the one….whatever you want to call it ABSOLUTELY speaking to me here.  And, I dig it.

Lastly, truth:  I love life.  2018 ended better and stronger than it started last January.  I am STILL here, and, for more than a moment, I had feelings THAT wasn’t going to happen.  I met the devil a few times in 2018.  It is a fucking hard thing to say.  It makes me feel very emotional.  I don’t write any of this for anyone’s pity, but more for awareness and ownership of my own shit that took place. 

Lessons or blessing.  We DECIDEzkqLiJV0R5CXNcTagCsi8w

When I woke up this morning, I had the negative pit in my stomach that 2018 was a lesson….and, I completely STILL agree, but I ALSO happen to believe that lessons are ALWAYS disguised that way to actually present a blessing.  The hardship of my mental dark age in 2018 brought  me SO much closer to my husband.  He and I were able to actually learn how to collaborate and become a united front, instead of two adults with two separate everythings.  It taught me to reflect and really re-prioritize, both things I have avoided for many of the adult years of my life.  It taught me to hold onto gratitude when I feel like there is nothing else.  Find that the couch is extra soft as I type this….or my fridge is the best at keeping my veggies fresh…..or my dog makes extra cute sounds as she snores at my feet.  Or, my husband….he does so much…..rarely complains….gives his heart….and absolutely adores me.  For that, I will fight.  I will fight for the people who read this and feel like they don’t have hope.  I will fight for the future peoples I have yet to meet.  I fight every single day because there are people who didn’t get a chance to, or who can’t right now….also, because I want to continue to be a warrior, even when I feel stuck, sad, broken, or defeated….especially then.  On strong days, I fight for myself most.

2019 is just another badass opportunity to REALLY dive into each day as a new page in my story.  What kind of book am I writing?  I don’t actually have any clue, that is the beauty in this world of possibilities….you can make shit up as you go and still be cute and loved….you can also REALLY change the world with that mindset and, again, it is all about the possibilities….hang on to THAT damn hope and gratitude will be flowing like champs on NYE!

You feel?

PS…..give resolutions the heave ho….they don’t serve anyone, least of all the resolver….you are better than giving yourself anxiety for some damn idea of a thing society tells you you SHOULD want… you, find your birds, and listen to the signs they are leaving….my word for 2019 is UNLEASHED

Feel free to leave me your word below!



get in the SPICE Confidence CREW here!!

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