Can we just, for a sec, talk about the idea of self-loathing and HOW it destroys any kind of personal motivation that steps within 20 cm of our bodies?
Not just me?
I heard something this week that pretty much removed the guilt I was feeling for BEING annoyed with everything in my life….including ALL of the people I am supposed to be loving on….
Get yourself together by admitting that you don’t like others very much right now, and equally that you don’t like yourself….then get to work on figuring out HOW to overcome all of it…..it doesn’t mean it won’t be messy…it means it will be growth. And, growth is the true path to any kind of dream, success, or outcome….growth leads the path…but the path is allowed to feel ICK.
You see, in the world of growing yourself, your social media, influencing others to live better, living better yourself, finding God, finding results, finding success, seeking abundance, living without limits, and ANYTHING else that falls under the LIFE umbrella, if you aren’t exactly LOVING yourself, there is no hope for your love of your neighbor….and FORCING it just feels gross….so, to grow through it, one must break down how truly cool they are RIGHT NOW (not when the 30 pounds are gone, the 10 dreams are accomplished, the credit cards are paid off, or the student loans STOP being a thing you dread)….
Another thing I will tell you: I am not a person to give you any advice on any of this. I am hating y’all right now….and using “y’all” like I know a southern drawl in my snowy Wyoming life….I don’t, so let’s stop pretending. Currently, I am about 30 pounds heavier than I would like. I have WAY too much credit card debt to income-earning ratio, and my monthly student loan bill gives me a hard time breathing….I wish for debt-forgiveness over doing the hard work that it would actually take to just pay them off, and I am concerned that the world will discover that my life is not so smiley, successful, or even that fun.
Don’t get me wrong. I do believe in all that I have mentioned on this blog prior to this post, but I also know that in my seasons of darkness (where I currently TRULY feel I am), I have ALWAYS put on a smile and just cheered my way through it. I didn’t own the truth. I didn’t share my transgressions….or the fact that I put a bunch of WHITE-ass sugar in my coffee this morning…..I just led on that life has been this hunky-dory space. And, it’s not. Not by a long shot.
I have fears that run so deep they are paralyzing.
I feel imprisoned by obligations that do NOT light up my soul.
I work constantly with people who mean well, but kill my hope.
And, it doesn’t stop there….because I do have faith in what COULD be, but I also know that the actual work to get there is up to me….(with some of God’s grace and blessing, I am sure)….and THAT scares me to death.
If it has taken this long to get this far, how much longer will it be?
If this road feels this desolate, why would I want to keep going?
(and, again, this is not a plea for my life here….It is a space of laying out the truth I am feeling….follow me here…)
So, I am writing this more as a space to just RELEASE the crap and allow myself some breathing room. It is okay to not have anything figured out. It is okay to be worried. It is okay to feel like failure. By surviving 100% of every bad day you have ever been through, you prove to yourself (and God) that you can handle the shit.
Let’s just hope the shit doesn’t hang out for too long.